Have you ever felt...

To Him,

I don't know if you'll ever read this. Even if i send you the link to this..

here goes...

a bright sunny Sunday morning, i had the memory of a fantastic night out with my best friend in my head. 

Smiling, strutting up the hill from my car i go. just nipping into work to grab my trainers before hitting the gym.

i hear guys talking. i look up and you look directly at me as i say a quiet "hi" to you all.

my heart skipped a beat the moment my eyes connected with yours, 

We had never met but i felt i had known you for my whole life. how bloody cliche and corny is that!

As Monday came around, i went about my usual routine.. coming and going from work getting ready to open the hair salon the following day.

 i kept seeing you that day and began to smile more. i still had no idea why you had such an affect on me. 

i figured out you were the builders for the shop next door by then.

The week went by in a daze, everyday at work i kept looking out for you.

everyone at work kept asking why i was smiling so much, why i was dressed differently.

What were you doing to me? we hadn't even met. 

You're smile is captivating and cheeky. the dimples! oh my! 

dark hair....tall...muscles.. and i spied at tattoo.

not that i was staring..

DAM by now you totally caught me staring.

Friday.... i happily strutted/ slightly skipped across the road to do the usual work breakfast run.

purposefully wearing a bodycon skirt and heels with my work uniform top.

i watched you from the checkout of store as you were painting in the window...

As i crossed back over the road i looked up, and smiled, my whole heart just melted.

You stopped painting to watch me walk past as i looked up and smiled so much, trying my best not to trip in front of you, You waved at me. and i practically bounced off the walls with giddiness when i went back into work. 

I couldn't stop thinking of you. 

Saturday...

A usual day full of cutting and colouring hair. gossip , coffee , tea and giggles. 

every time you walked past the salon window, i couldn't hide my smile. 

my colleagues teased; my clients agreed that i had good taste. Yes we were all watching! 

nice butt by the way. 

I was taking payment for a client when my colleague tapped on the window .. i knew she was outside smoking, but i didn't know you were stood there talking to her until i looked up . 

I lost all concentration at that point.

i went out side. and then it happened. you smiled at me and i finally met you. 

hearing your voice melted me even more. 

I will never ever forget the feeling of your handshake. 

i was lost in you from that moment. 

fast forward to our first date. 

hilariously it was only the day after we met. 

i drove to pick you up. sat in my car panicking..thinking, what on earth am i doing? i never do this!? 

you got in my car, sat there in my passenger seat . "hi" 

 i mumbled a timid "hey, how are you?" 

"nervous ha ha" you replied.

i thought f*** it... i leant over to give you a hug..

You kissed me... you freaking kissed me... <3

it was the most magical connection i have ever had with anyone. i didn't know i wanted or needed you until you were right in front of me. until you kissed me. 

i kept kissing you. I felt like i had known you for so long. 

the first date with you was a night i will never forget. 

the meal was good.. but it was the fact we never ever stopped talking, laughing, holding hands, kissing. 

from 8pm until 2am. i forgot the world around me. 

It was just us two. 

and i wish it was that way still. 

That week that followed... we were inseparable. 

your workmates teased and giggled, as did mine. 

i knew i had instantly fallen for you as we sat under the starts together at 2am. 

going home that week at 2am, 4am, 3am... getting told by my parents to get home sooner.

not wanting to waste a moment with you .

hearing your story. your life. your puzzle pieces, 

bit by bit i knew that you were the first time i ever felt this way about...at 25... i was mesmerised by you. 

You put my hand on your heart to show me the way i made your heart beat faster when i surprised you by agreeing on something you never expected. 

you told me you had fallen in love with me. 

i  whispered in your ear that i loved you.

i knew you had to leave to go back to London on the Friday afternoon. 

i knew i wanted to spend every second with you . 

you told me you were moving here to be with me. 

I said yes please do, 

Friday came... 

the day i knew you had to leave,

for the first time ever.. i got up 2 hours early for work, i got to work an hour early, i have never EVER done that for anything or anyone. 

 i did it for you, simply to spend more time with you. 

we went into town and grabbed a tea. neither of us drink coffee. 

you loved spring garden tea. i never forget your smile as you told me how much you loved me. i still have the photo of it . i look at it all the time.

remembering how happy you made me. 

Then you had to leave. 

it hurt like hell knowing you were going. 

i had to force myself not to cry in front of you. i wanted you to remember your happy girlfriend. 

yes girlfriend, you had asked me to be your girlfriend that past week, on the beach, sunset behind us. 

just us together. 

you said you'd be back soon.

.....

baby you never showed.

you went quiet when you got home, 

 you stopped keeping constant contact after a few weeks. 

you said you were coming back... so i waited at the terminal the day you said you were getting the ferry over...you never showed, i felt sick.

i panicked... where were you? where you hurt?

or had you simply given up on us? was it all a fling?

you swore to me it wasn't

it was days until you contacted me saying sorry.. you just had cold feet. 

so we tried again... 

yet it all happened again...

it felt like a nightmare coming true. 

I haven't heard your voice in week now baby. 

i only ever receive an email from you once every 2 weeks maybe? 

why do you think i freaked out and panicked when i hadn't heard from you?! 

I'm not crazy. i was hurt. i still am . 

 i had fallen in love. begun to plan how to show you around where i live, show you my favourite beach, my favourite glen, and do so many new things, create new memories together. 

now i just spend everyday thinking of you..when could have been.

What SHOULD have been. 

i shouldn't be sat here typing to a blog....where no one will ever read this. 

but you asked for space on your last email. you called me crazy for sending a lot of emails. 

yes there were way too many, but some were just ' ???? '

trying anything to get a reply from you.

you supposedly had no phone,... no way of contacting me?!

there are so many more questions.

but now I'm sat here.. really ill for the 3rd week... sat in bed all week, desperate to talk to you and tell you something. but you don't even give me a moments thought. 

I loved you... i still do.... i wish i didn't

i wish that i didn't think about you every day...

i wish that...

- i didn't want you here next to me in bed as i am suffering...just wanting to fall asleep in your arms... 

watching films with you.

- that i didn't daydream of how amazing my brand new house would be with us living in it together

- how amazing it would be to hold you again, to kiss you again

- how i would react the moment i saw you again,

but most of all...

I wish that you still wanted me, that you had turned up.. not left me. 

i loved you. 

i loved him.

I still hold out hope.

forever and always yours

" My Baby"
x x x x